Dealing with Grief
I’m not sure if anyone read one of my previous posts about me taking a break from my website and social media early last month. Like so many others, I’ve dealing with a loss of a loved one this year. Although it hurts to deal with it, I decided to face my grief head on.
Grief or loss of any kind is one of those painful things we as humans have to deal with. While some choose to deal with grief, others choose to avoid their grief altogether or use/participate in various things to try to escape their grief.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
I found out that my loved one passed away the morning before one of my exams. To get through it, I temporarily convinced myself that they were referring to someone else that passed away (DENIAL), but deep down I know it was him. There were even points when I was taking my exam that I had to fight back tears and silently pray. By the grace of God, I was able to concentrate throughout the full exam and do pretty well. That was truly all God! Right after the exam, however, I called my sister and she confirmed it was in fact my loved one that passed.
After confirming that it was my loved one that passed, I fluctuated between being very sad to being angry (DEPRESSION & ANGER). There were many nights that I had issues falling asleep just because I was stuck in my grief, unfortunately. I’ll dive into this a little later.
Although I didn’t realize I was doing this, I also participated in the (BARGAINING) phase of grief. Whenever I started to think about the “what if” and “if only”, I would sometimes verbalize it to family and close friends, but I would stop and remind myself that I cannot go back and change how this person took care of himself or change my own personal actions when visiting them. I think that is super important to remember, so we don’t beat ourselves up about it.
Knowing that my loved one is no longer suffering and back in Heaven has been giving me a lot of peace (ACCEPTANCE) through this process. Although it sucks that he is no longer here, knowing that he’s in the best place possible (back home with the Lord) helps to ease my pain. There are still times when I break down and cry, since its still pretty fresh and just dealing with the whole adjustment of everything, but that’s ok! It’s still a normal part of the grieving process.
DEALING WITH GRIEF
As many of you know, dealing with grief of any kind is not fun. It’s one of the hardest things that we have to go through in life. However, it is imperative that we deal with the grief head on instead of avoiding it or masking it with various substances or activities.
1. Deal with your feelings!
Yes, medical school kept me busy and helped me to take my mind off of what was going on (from time to time, especially later on in the grieving process), it’s still important to deal with your feelings instead of burying them or constantly doing things to try to distract yourself from grief. Why? If you don’t deal with your feelings now they will eventually come up when you least suspect it. It can be tomorrow or years from now. While you are distracting yourself with various activities or using using substances to numb your feelings, the goal is to appear ok, when in fact you a prisoner to your own grief. You may seem OK on the outside, but once you get home behind closed doors, you can feel absolutely miserable (or worse). So, as uncomfortable as it might be, deal with your feelings head on!
2. Surround yourself with loved ones that you trust
To be completely honest, initially there was nothing anyone could say (even my family and close friends) that could help me out of my feelings. There was even a point where I got tired of hearing people say “I’m sorry for your loss”. It made me want to avoid others, but I knew that that was the worst possible thing I could do.
Although it was frustrating at times, it was still good to know that there were people out there that truly care. I received tons of calls, text messages, and emails from my Pastors, good friends, and even professors that knew of my loved ones passing, with prayers and words of encouragement for me and my family. I had classmates from Christian Health Fellowship club at my school come over with gifts, snacks, flowers, and to pray for me. And a friend I made from my master’s program, who is also a medical student elsewhere, came over with gifts and a heartfelt card with quotes from a specific chapter in the Bible that I’ve been meditating on this year. I still get choked up thinking about it everyones kindness.
3. Spend time with God!
This is honestly the most important thing to do! Others cannot and will not be there for you 24/7, no matter how much they say they will be there for you “anytime”. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, we are all human and have our own needs to attend to.
Since I knew I couldn’t rely too much on others to be there for me 24/7, I ran to the one that could actually be there for me 24/7! If it’s still unclear to those reading, the only one that can truly be there with and for you 24/7 is God.
How do you spend time with God? There are many ways to spend time with God. I probably can’t reproduce an extensive list with every way you can spend time with Him, but here’s what I did:
A) Read the Bible
For some reason, this seems to be an unpopular activity for many people. Is the Bible sometimes hard to understand? Try a different translation. Do you not have time to read the Bible? There are Bible apps in various translations that you can play on your phone or tablet, and it will read the Bible to you! Yes, it’s that simple!
Although I have a couple of physical Bibles, I tend to use the Bible app by You Version since I almost always have it with me wherever I go.
1) Devotionals
What’s nice about the Bible app is the various topic related devotionals. For instance, some of the devotionals I read were on grief. Some devotionals even have meditation audio files or videos attached to the devotional.
2) Diving into the Word
If devotionals aren’t your thing, you can dive directly into the Word of God. In the past, while dealing with grief, I’ve read the Book of Psalms, Proverbs, and/or the New Testament, especially the gospel. Why? It’s honestly something my Dad mentioned to my sister and I while growing up. He said that the book of Psalms and Proverbs were about our relationship with others and our relationship with God. It’s just something that stuck with me, even to this day.
B) Worshipping Him
Majority of us, as a church, do praise & worship at the start of church service on Sundays. I personally LOVE praise & worship, so I also do it nearly everyday outside of church. Why? Praise & worship is an excellent way to magnify God above any and all circumstances you may face. So I praise & worship Him when things are amazing and when things aren’t so great, like going through grief for instance.
How do I worship God? Well, start by intentionally worshipping Him. Carve some time out of your schedule to spend time with Him. I started out by searching on Youtube for various songs we sang at my church. Sometimes I would just listen to the lyrics, other times I would sing along to them. Eventually I would lift my hands and even dance while singing along and worshipping Him.
After some time of intentionally worshipping Him, it became like second nature to me. In fact, I couldn’t wait to spend time with God this way! I would praise Him through the good times and the bad. Magnifying His name over my problems and my pain. So when my loved one passed away, despite how hard it was to praise God, I knew that God was the only one to give me comfort during this time. And honestly, spending time with Him in these various ways were the only things that would give me comfort, especially early on in the grieving process.
Below I have some praise & worship videos that I saved in the playlist over the years (since early 2015 I believe). Yes, this is the same playlist I listen to/watch through the good times and the bad, including going through this recent loss. Feel free to listen to it if you’d like.
So I noticed that I had 238 videos on the playlist, but on 200 of them were showing. As a result, I went ahead and made another playlist to add the 38 videos that weren’t showing up. If you’re interested in listening or watching that other playlist, I’ll post it at the end of this post.
C) Prayer
Prayer is one of the most important, powerful things you can do to spend time with God. I feel like a common misconception about prayer is that you have to be a saint or this super holy/religious person to pray. NOPE! Prayer is like speaking to someone you are very close to. Prayer is a casual conversation with someone that loves you beyond your comprehension. Tell God how you truly feel and what you are going through. He’s listening.
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”
D) Soaking in His presence
Soaking in God’s presence is a great way to submit yourself to Him and hear anything He wants to say to you. Of course there are different ways that God may speak to you, but the point is to quiet yourself and just wait on Him.
There are a couple of ways to soak in the presence of God:
1) Listening to instrumental worship music
This is one way I soak in His presence. I pray once I start listening to the instrumental worship music (I mainly listen to DappyTKeys Piano Worship, check him out!) and just sit or lay down in silence as I listen to the worship music.
2) Listening to rain drops, ocean waves, and other calming natural sounds
This is pretty similar to listening to instrumental praise & worship music. The point is not to have words that can distract us. I personal do this before bed, right after I read the Bible. Technically the way I do this is more like meditation, but it is still soaking in His presence. While listening to the Abide app’s music, I think about the Bible verses I just read and usually drift off to sleep after some time.
3) Praise & Worship
Wait a minute, I thought you already mentioned this earlier. I did! Praise & worship is another good way to soak in God’s presence. The difference here is that I’m not singing or dancing, but sitting or laying down quietly just meditating on God’s goodness and sometimes the lyrics.
E) Meditation
Meditations isn’t just for other religions or new age stuff. For Christianity, when we meditate, instead of “freeing our minds”, we focus on God’s word and the things that He’s done.
Meditation is pretty close to soaking in His presence, except with meditation you are intentionally focusing on His word. God can still reveal stuff to you whether you are soaking in His presence or meditating on His word.
In fact, while meditating a couple of days after my loved one passed, God reminded me of the story of Lazarus. I’ll post it under the Soul Food section.
I think I mentioned them before, but I also use the Abide meditation app when meditating, but especially for sleeping. It’s an excellent resource for those that Biblically guided meditations/mindfulness.
4. Talk with people you trust
When I first heard the news that my loved one passed away, I intentionally avoided all calls, text messages, emails, and pretty much any form of communication with others. I wasn’t doing this to be mean. I was doing this because I couldn’t talk without crying my eyes out. When one of my pastors called me, then my husband, however, my husband gave me the phone out of the blue. I immediately started crying when he started talking to me, but he prayed for me even though I couldn’t talk. He was the only one I talked to, outside of my family, after hearing the news.
After nearly a week, I was finally able to open up to others besides my family. I only reached out to those that I’m close with and could trust. Although I didn’t heavily rely on them, its always nice to know that you have people in your life that will be keeping you lifted in prayer!
Grief Share is also a wonderful resource and is typically offered at many churches. They sometimes offer classes, led by someone from the church, for you to open up about your grief and receive prayer in a safe place. I’m personally looking forward to starting Grief Share at my church next month. In the meantime, I’m waiting for one of my family members to finish reading the Grief Share book that was given to me by one of my mentors.
5. Talk with a mental health professional
I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Seeking a mental health professional DOES NOT make you crazy! In fact, seeking help from a counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist shows that you are a strong individual!
I know access to a mental health professional might be an issue for many. You can always see your primary care physician if you are feeling sad or struggling with other issues.
If you are a student (whether college, graduate, or professional), your student health center should provide FREE counseling service. The school mental health services might even have more availability than your normal provider. Definitely check them out!
Please feel free to visit my Mental Health post for more mental health resources. It’s not an extensive list, but feel free to check it out.
6. Sleep!
I know, it sounds silly to recommend sleep when you’re trying to deal with grief. However, as I mentioned before in my sleep post, sleep is super important to our health in general! If you’d like to read more about the importance of sleep, please click here. I even mentioned a couple of amazing references on sleep.
Grief can unfortunately affect your sleep. I struggled with sleep after finding out my loved one died. I personally had a hard time falling asleep, while some of my family members had trouble staying asleep. When I couldn’t sleep, I spent time with God, even if I spent time with Him earlier that day. I would usually fall asleep after soaking in His presence. On rare nights, however, I took melatonin to fall asleep.
7. Saying Goodbye / Letting Go
Saying goodbye and letting go is one of the most challenging steps when dealing with grief. It’s hard because we have to accept the fact that our loved one is no longer here on this earth and we have to live our lives without them physically in it. It’s a difficult transition.
Although your loved one is no longer on this earth, he or she is in a better place…Heaven. As I mentioned earlier, while my husband and I were both meditating on God’s word and His goodness, the Lord reminded me on the story of Lazarus (please click here to read the Soul Food post). In short, Jesus came to die for our sins to redeem us back to God. So death on earth is only the beginning. If we have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, after we pass away we go to Heaven to be with our Heavenly Father for eternity! Him reminding me of that gave me peace that truly surpassed all understanding.
Yes, I cried at my loved ones viewing and burial. It’s only natural and just a part of the grieving process. But after things are all said and done, I truly know that my loved one is no longer suffering and that he is in the best, safest place possible (back at home with Abba, Father)!
8. Visiting your loved one’s grave site
Since school keeps me busy, I try to visit my loved one’s burial site at least once a month. Since I’m done with finals and on winter break, I plan to visit him a bit more this month.
Although he is not physically on this earth, but staring down from heaven, its a good way for me and my family to remember him and include him in various milestones.
I wasn’t intending to make this a very long post, but grief is complex and I didn’t want to just brush over everything.
As I was told by one of the education specialists at my school, grief comes in waves (especially since it’s still fresh for me). So I’d be lying if I said I was truly over the grieving process. I do miss my loved one, feel sad and sometimes cry from time to time. It’s a normal part of the grieving process.
For anyone one reading this dealing with loss,
I pray that the Lord comforts you and gives you strength to keep going during this difficult time.
As promised, here’s part two of my worship playlists.
